Saturday, December 24, 2005

Newly Discovered Federalist Paper Says President Is Infallible

On Tuesday, Vice President Dick Cheney made a startling discovery with historic implications. While cleaning out some papers from an antique desk, the Vice President apparently discovered a new “Federalist Paper” hitherto lost to history. The Federalist Papers were a series of eighty-five articles written under the pen name “Publius” by Alexander Hamilton, James Madison, and John Jay in late 18th century. Their purpose was to gain popular support for the proposed Constitution. It now appears that an eighty-sixth paper by these founding fathers was lost to history for over two centuries. Even more startling is that the essay appears to directly contradict many of the previous Federalist Papers. Constitutional experts believe that this discovery may result in significant reinterpretation of the doctrine of “separation of powers” as well as reconsideration of the relationship between the President and Congress.

The first hint of a change in tone from earlier Federalist Papers is the surprisingly strident title of the new paper: “Why Congress Should Go Fuck Itself.” The paper presents a less enthusiastic attitude toward the separation of powers doctrine than Federalist 51 which states: “the constant aim is to divide and arrange the several offices in such a manner as that each may be a check on the other -- that the private interest of every individual may be a sentinel over the public rights.” Regarding the relationship of the President and Congress, Federalist 51 states that “in republican government, the legislative authority necessarily predominates.” In contrast, the new paper addresses these issues by stating only that: “Congress should do what it’s told like a little bitch.”

The new paper also seems to take a broader view of the President’s war powers than was expressed in Federalist 69 which explains that the President’s powers as commander-in-chief “amount to nothing more than the supreme command and direction of the military and naval forces” while all other powers “appertain to the legislature.” In contrast, the new paper states: “the President, as the physical embodiment of the American people, is the owner of the state, and may dispose of his property, including persons suspected of un-American activities, as he wishes.”

All of this would seem to be a notable departure from the tone of Federalist 70 which argued against concentrating too much power in the hands of one man particularly during times of war:

“Every man the least conversant in Roman story, knows how often that republic was obliged to take refuge in the absolute power of a single man, under the formidable title of Dictator, as well against the intrigues of ambitious individuals who aspired to the tyranny, and the seditions of whole classes of the community whose conduct threatened the existence of all government, as against the invasions of external enemies who menaced the conquest and destruction of Rome. […] Man, in public trust, will much oftener act in such a manner as to render him unworthy of being any longer trusted, than in such a manner as to make him obnoxious to legal punishment.”

Constitutional experts were unavailable to comment on this last passage as they had been taken into custody at an undisclosed location.

5 Comments:

Blogger Chancelucky said...

Mr. Dentist,
I look forward to other discoveries from your archives. I've maintained for some time that the President has Mitchell Palmer and J. Edgar Hoover's private copy of the constitution. It doesn't shock me that they have their own copies of the Federalist Papers as well.

12/24/2005 12:49:00 PM  
Blogger The Fifth Dentist said...

I think there is a "ministry of truth" in the basement of the white house that is rewriting history with the help of fox news. I could have sworn that we use to be at war against eastasia and allied with eurasia but my memory's been faulty lately.

12/24/2005 04:05:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh Sir Blogger ... That was easily your best one yet. It struck just the right note of sarcasm without going over the top. Very nicely done indeed!

-- Argyle

P.S. In case you've wondered at my lack of posting lately, I've been traveling overseas and haven't had time to keep up with my blog surfing. It's been nice catching up lately. I'm enjoying many nice cups of java this wonderful day whilst reading my favorite bloggers. Happy Holidays.

12/25/2005 02:17:00 PM  
Blogger The Vulgarian said...

Oh, Dr. this needs to be shared far and wide. Brilliant parody, thank you for the holiday goodness. And peace to us all and prosperity to you in the New Year.

Mahalo, big time.

12/27/2005 06:51:00 AM  
Blogger T. Stark said...

My sources tell me it was written with synthetic feather tips. Upon a special Quill Kerning TM magnifier it shows too great of a uniformity in the lines of each stroke.

Yours
- Big Blue Soccer Balls

12/31/2005 04:37:00 PM  

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