Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Scenes We’d Like To See (with apologies to Mad Magazine)

Scene 1: White House press Corps Gives Scott McClellan an Atomic Wedgie

DAVID GREGORY: ... Scott aren't you contradicting what you told us five minutes ago?

McCLELLAN: ... I didn't tell you anything five minutes ago, I was just clearing my throat ...

DAVID GREGORY: ... OK guys, grab him and hold him down ...

McCLELLAN: NO!!! Don't ... waughh!!!

(Ripping sound is heard as the wasteband of McClellan's underpants is stretched over his head)

McCLELLAN: (sobbing)

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Scene 2: Harriett Miers Confirmation Hearing

SEN. SCHUMER: Ms. Miers do you really consider yourself to be the most qualified person for this appointment?

HARRIET MIERS: Yes I do, Senator.

SEN. SCHUMER: Then can you explain it to me? It seems there are hundreds if not thousands of judges, law school professors, and legal scholars who are far more qualified than you.

HARRIET MIERS: Senator, I earned this appointment. Do you have any idea how much ass I had to kiss to get here? How many idiotic birthday cards I had to send with insipid inscriptions? How long I’ve had to kow-tow to morons? This eye makeup? Do you think I wanted to dress like this? But I hung in there and I earned this fucking appointment and …
… I’ve blown it haven’t I?

SEN. SCHUMER: Yeah.

HARRIER MIERS: Shit.
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Scene 3: Karl Rove Is Arrested

ROVE: You know you’ve got no case Patrick. Nobody is going to talk. I’m not going to tell you anything. You’re just destroying your own legal career. I’ll personally see to it that your next job is at some legal aid clinic.

PATRICK FITZGERALD: Why don’t we talk about it on the way to the airport.

ROVE: The airport? What are you talking about? Aren’t we going to the Justice Department?

PATRICK FITZGERALD: No actually I’m taking you to Guantanamo for a few months of questioning. Don’t worry, it’s all perfectly legal.

ROVE: Shit.
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Scene 4: Mike Brown’s Next Job

BROWNIE: Would you like to supersize that?

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Scene 5: William Bennett in It’s a Wonderful Life

(A cemetery.) Upon the tombstone is engraved a name, Ronald Reagan. Feverishly William Bennett scrapes away the snow covering the rest of the inscription, and we read: "IN MEMORY OF OUR BELOVED GOVERNOR – RONALD REAGAN – 1911-1967"

CLARENCE: Your hero, Ronald Reagan was killed after ordering police to fire at an anti-war protest in Los Angeles in 1967 at the age of 56.

(Bennett jumps up.)

BENNETT: That’s a lie! Ronald Reagan was president for two terms. He started the modern conservative movement. He invaded Grenada!

CLARENCE: (sadly) You see William, Martin Luther King was never born because all black children had been aborted so the riot wasn't averted. Reagan wasn’t there to start the conservative movement because King wasn’t there to save Reagan. Walter Mondale was President for two terms. Grenada is still under Cuban control because Reagan wasn’t there to invade it. Don’t you see William, black people have really had wonderfully useful lives. Don’t you see what a mistake it would be to throw them all away?

BENNETT: Clarence! Clarence! Help me, Clarence. Get them back. Get them back. I don't care what happens to me. Only get me back my black friends. Help me, Clarence, please! Please! I want them to live again!

CLARENCE: Shit.

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Those are "GRADE A" hilarious ... especially the one about William Bennett. It's brilliant ... well at least really bright. Kudos Dentist.

The Man

10/19/2005 02:32:00 PM  
Blogger The Fifth Dentist said...

Thanks Man.

10/19/2005 08:40:00 PM  
Blogger Tom said...

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