Saturday, January 21, 2006

Today’s Headlines … Minus The Bullshit

Republicans Vow To Clean Up Washington. In Related News, Satan Vows to Clean up Hell.

U.S. Kills Bin Laden’s Number Two (Again) Bringing Total to Two Number Threes, a Number Four and Three Number Fives. Pentagon Bemoans That We’re Not Playing Stratego. Unfazed Bin Laden To Continue Issuing New Recordings at Same Rate as Eminem.

Whale Stranded in River Thames Dies: Prince Andrew Unavailable for Comment about Death of Former Spouse.

Hamas Poised to Defeat Fatah in Palestinian Elections. Hamas Leader Barghouti Refers to Self as “Compassionate Conservative” stating: “I’m a Uniter not a Disemboweler, Well, Actually, I Like Both.”

U.S. Allows Cuban National Team To Compete in World Baseball Classic: As Part of Deal, Cuba Agrees to Take Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

Bond’s Aston Martin from “Goldfinger” Sells for 2.1 Million: Still no Takers for Yugo from “A View To A Kill”.

Scientists Find “No Link” Between Cell Phone Use and Brain Cancer: Remain Unsure about Link Between Internet Use and Masturbation.

Nagin Says New Orleans to be Rebuilt As “Chocolate City.” Outraged Frankenberry Threatens Lawsuit.

Robertson Attributes Sharon Stroke to Divine Retribution. Astonished Deity Denies Talking To Robertson, Claims Sharon was “Old and Overweight.”

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Newly Discovered Federalist Paper Says President Is Infallible

On Tuesday, Vice President Dick Cheney made a startling discovery with historic implications. While cleaning out some papers from an antique desk, the Vice President apparently discovered a new “Federalist Paper” hitherto lost to history. The Federalist Papers were a series of eighty-five articles written under the pen name “Publius” by Alexander Hamilton, James Madison, and John Jay in late 18th century. Their purpose was to gain popular support for the proposed Constitution. It now appears that an eighty-sixth paper by these founding fathers was lost to history for over two centuries. Even more startling is that the essay appears to directly contradict many of the previous Federalist Papers. Constitutional experts believe that this discovery may result in significant reinterpretation of the doctrine of “separation of powers” as well as reconsideration of the relationship between the President and Congress.

The first hint of a change in tone from earlier Federalist Papers is the surprisingly strident title of the new paper: “Why Congress Should Go Fuck Itself.” The paper presents a less enthusiastic attitude toward the separation of powers doctrine than Federalist 51 which states: “the constant aim is to divide and arrange the several offices in such a manner as that each may be a check on the other -- that the private interest of every individual may be a sentinel over the public rights.” Regarding the relationship of the President and Congress, Federalist 51 states that “in republican government, the legislative authority necessarily predominates.” In contrast, the new paper addresses these issues by stating only that: “Congress should do what it’s told like a little bitch.”

The new paper also seems to take a broader view of the President’s war powers than was expressed in Federalist 69 which explains that the President’s powers as commander-in-chief “amount to nothing more than the supreme command and direction of the military and naval forces” while all other powers “appertain to the legislature.” In contrast, the new paper states: “the President, as the physical embodiment of the American people, is the owner of the state, and may dispose of his property, including persons suspected of un-American activities, as he wishes.”

All of this would seem to be a notable departure from the tone of Federalist 70 which argued against concentrating too much power in the hands of one man particularly during times of war:

“Every man the least conversant in Roman story, knows how often that republic was obliged to take refuge in the absolute power of a single man, under the formidable title of Dictator, as well against the intrigues of ambitious individuals who aspired to the tyranny, and the seditions of whole classes of the community whose conduct threatened the existence of all government, as against the invasions of external enemies who menaced the conquest and destruction of Rome. […] Man, in public trust, will much oftener act in such a manner as to render him unworthy of being any longer trusted, than in such a manner as to make him obnoxious to legal punishment.”

Constitutional experts were unavailable to comment on this last passage as they had been taken into custody at an undisclosed location.

Friday, December 16, 2005

How To Sell The Patriot Act

SCENE: A supermarket. A woman is picking up and examining various brands of bathroom tissue. Unable to tell the difference between two leading brands, she absent-mindedly tosses one in her shopping cart. As she does this, President George W. Bush steps from behind a display of paper towels.

THE PRESIDENT: Excuse me ma’am. I couldn’t help but notice that you just picked the store brand of bathroom tissue. Can I ask why?

WOMAN: Oh, well I suppose they’re all the same. Bathroom tissue is bathroom tissue.

THE PRESIDENT: That’s where you’re wrong. Some bathroom tissue is more equal than others. Uh, ARE more equals than others. I mean, some are more better than the ones that are less good. Oh, you know what I mean. Anyway, that’s why I always recommend Patriot Act Bathroom Tissue. (He holds up a package of bathroom tissue for the camera. The package contains a large smiling picture of George W. Bush. ) It’s the only brand I ever use, and the only brand I allow in the White House and on Air Force One.

WOMAN: What’s so special about Patriot Act?

THE PRESIDENT: It’s made with real pieces of the U.S. Constitution. Here take a closer look. (He hands her a piece of toilet tissue on which the words “We the people” can clearly be seen.) See, there’s the preamble right there. And that’s not just stamped on there. That is an actual piece of parchment from one of the original copies of the constitution produced in 1789.

WOMAN: Wow. That must be expensive?

THE PRESIDENT: Well sure, Patriot Act costs a little more, but believe me, it’s worth it. Every morning after I jog three miles and eat a healthy breakfast, I like to retire to the powder room with my Patriot Act and the junior jumble. It’s one of the few places I can relax in peace. But Patriot Act will make anyone feel like a pampered chief executive. This morning, I wiped myself with the Fourth and Thirteenth Amendments.

WOMAN: But isn’t parchment abrasive?

THE PRESIDENT: No that’s a common misconception. Eighteenth century parchment is actually twice as soft as a Presidential Daily Briefing and three times as absorbent as the paper used in most basic science textbooks.

WOMAN: Wow. I’m sold. I think I’ll give Patriot Act a try. (She puts the store brand bathroom tissue back on the shelf and picks up a package of Patriot Act.) Hey, this roll has part of the Fifth Amendment.

ANNOUNCER: New Patriot Act bathroom tissue. Wipe your ass with the U.S. Constitution just like George W. Bush.

Monday, November 21, 2005

U.S. Officials: al-Zarqawi, Morrison May Have Been Killed In Attack

Mosul, Iraq (AP)—
The U.S. military announced today that it is “quite possible” that Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was among those killed in a weekend raid in northern Iraq. The raid took place last Saturday in the northern Iraqi city of Mosul a U.S. counterterrorism expert said. The official said U.S. commanders do not know whether al-Zarqawi -- whom U.S. authorities call al Qaeda's top man in Iraq -- was in the house, which was targeted because suspected al Qaeda members were thought to be inside.

According to the same official, U.S. commanders also cannot rule out the possiblity that former fascist dictator Generalisimo Francisco Franco may also have been killed in the raid, though other intelligence indicates that Franco may have died of natural causes in 1975. The official also refused to rule out the possiblity that Jim Morrison, Ted Kaczinsky, Dr. Joyce Brothers, and the late Nipsy Russell may have been in the house with al-Zarqawi. The official stated that the military must conduct “further tests” to confirm the truth or falsity of any of these rumors but that it is “highly likely that somebody was probably in the house” when it was leveled by U.S. airstikes. “We’re fairly confident that one or more persons of interest possibly including al-Zarqawi were neutralized when the house was destroyed” said the U.S. official

The Mosul attack is part of a series of coordinated strikes on suspected terrorist staging grounds which U.S. commanders have dubbed “Operation Iron Blowtorch.” According to sources inside the Department of Defense, much of the intelligence supporting this operation was extracted from suspects being held at U.S. detention facilities like the one at Guantamo Bay, Cuba. Other intelligence supporting the operation is rumored to have been developed by the Department of Justice’s controversial practice of monitoring activity at U.S. public libraries. According to DOJ officials, al-Zarqawi’s whereabouts were confirmed by the the checkout of “Simple Lessons I learned the Hard Way” by Sarah Ferguson, the former Dutchess of York, at the Palmdale, California public library. The DOJ source stated “our software flagged the checkout of these materials as unlikely to be for legitimate purposes.” The DOJ source refused to comment on how al-Zarqawi’s whereabouts were pinpointed based on the library book.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Justice League: 2005

SCENE: The Oval Office. The President is frantically talking into a red phone on his desk.

THE PRESIDENT: …this is the President calling Justice League … President calling Justice League … come in Justice League … where the hell are you guys?

JUSTICE LEAGUE: Justice League here. Sorry Mr. President, I was in the bathroo … answering an emergency call. How can we help you? Gosh it’s been a long time since you picked up the red phone.

THE PRESIDENT: I’m afraid things aren’t going that well lately. I know you guys helped FDR against the Nazis and Japanese during World War II. Well we’re at war again against an equally dangerous enemy and your country needs you desperately.

JUSTICE LEAGUE: That’s why we’re here Mr. President. What do you need us to do?

THE PRESIDENT: Thank god. I’m at my wit’s end over here. Alright, I need Superman, Batman and Captain America to establish a perimeter 50 miles south of Baghdad. Then I need Wonderwoman to …

JUSTICE LEAGUE: Uh, Mr. President, I’m afraid some of the Superheroes you mentioned are no longer with us.

THE PRESIDENT: Oh really? Which ones?

JUSTICE LEAGUE: Actually, all of them sir.

THE PRESIDENT: No Superman?

JUSTICE LEAGUE: No.

THE PRESIDENT: Batman?

JUSTICE LEAGUE: Sorry.

THE PRESIDENT: OK then, plan B. Just have Aquaman round up about 30 whales off the coast of Basra …

JUSTICE LEAGUE: I’m afraid he’s gone too sir.

THE PRESIDENT: Really? You do still have superheroes in the Justice League don’t you?

JUSTICE LEAGUE: Oh yes sir, we’ve got plenty of superheroes.

THE PRESIDENT: Well would you mind telling me who you’ve got available, I’m in kind of hurry here, we’re losing about twenty soldiers a week in Iraq right now.

JUSTICE LEAGUE: Well, Captain Bullshit is available, and also …

THE PRESIDENT: Did you say Captain Bullshit?

JUSTICE LEAGUE: Yes sir.

THE PRESIDENT: What exactly can Captain Bullshit do?

JUSTICE LEAGUE: Oh he can put together a video tape splicing together out-of-context sound bites from Democratic politicians speaking about Iraq in 2002.

THE PRESIDENT: What the fuck am I going to do with that? How’s that going to help us win the war?

JUSTICE LEAGUE: Oh, well, it’s not exactly going to help win the war sir but it will spread the blame around a little when we lose.

THE PRESIDENT: Are you fucking kidding me? Who else you got?

JUSTICE LEAGUE: Well we’ve got Major Salesjob, Lackeyman, the Profiteer, the Green Dollar.

THE PRESIDENT: What can those guys do?

JUSTICE LEAGUE: Well, Major Salesjob has pretty much the same powers as Captain Bullshit. Uh, Lackeyman, will tell you that everything is going OK and you’ll be able to at least sleep a little better at night. The Profiteer pretty much just tries to find ways to make money on the war. The Green Dollar is pretty much the same as the Profiteer.

THE PRESIDENT: Jesus Christ. What happened to the kinds of superheroes that can run through a machine gun position or crash through a wall? Do we have anybody like that?

JUSTICE LEAGUE: Uh, no sir, I’m afraid we don’t. Oh, wait a minute, I just remembered that the Blue Smear just finished his prior mission and is now available.

THE PRESIDENT: Great, what can he do? Can he locate buried explosives with his X-ray vision?

JUSTICE LEAGUE: No sir. But he can dig up dirt about your political opponents and make them unelectable.

THE PRESIDENT: I'm so fucked.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Bushigan's Island

Just grab your sack and you’ll hear a tale
A tale of a total crock
That started with some yellow cake
And ended with Iraq

The Pres was a mighty drinking man
The Veep was a big fat shit
A hundred million bags of douche
Had voted for this twit … had voted for this twit

The weather started getting rough
And FEMA came up short
Then he tried to put his typist
On the nation’s highest court … the nation’s highest court

The ship sunk ground on a shore of this
Unfriendly mid-east pile

With Bushigan …
Dick Cheney too …
Jack Abramoff …
And Delay
Miss Harriet …
…and Brownie too …
Are here on Bushigan’s Isle

… … … … … …

This is the tale of our country now
We’re fucked for a long, long time
We’ll have to make the best of things
Until two thousand nine

The children of the right-wing nuts
Who watch this and applaud
Will someday clean the toilets
In the fucking House of Saud

No brains, no plans, no Geneva rights
Not a single moral qualm
Like Kissinger and Nixon
They’ll drop some more napalm

So join us here each week my friends
You’re sure to need a smile
With things as badly fucked as this
Here on Bushigan’s Isle

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Scenes We’d Like To See (with apologies to Mad Magazine)

Scene 1: White House press Corps Gives Scott McClellan an Atomic Wedgie

DAVID GREGORY: ... Scott aren't you contradicting what you told us five minutes ago?

McCLELLAN: ... I didn't tell you anything five minutes ago, I was just clearing my throat ...

DAVID GREGORY: ... OK guys, grab him and hold him down ...

McCLELLAN: NO!!! Don't ... waughh!!!

(Ripping sound is heard as the wasteband of McClellan's underpants is stretched over his head)

McCLELLAN: (sobbing)

--------------------------------------------------------------
Scene 2: Harriett Miers Confirmation Hearing

SEN. SCHUMER: Ms. Miers do you really consider yourself to be the most qualified person for this appointment?

HARRIET MIERS: Yes I do, Senator.

SEN. SCHUMER: Then can you explain it to me? It seems there are hundreds if not thousands of judges, law school professors, and legal scholars who are far more qualified than you.

HARRIET MIERS: Senator, I earned this appointment. Do you have any idea how much ass I had to kiss to get here? How many idiotic birthday cards I had to send with insipid inscriptions? How long I’ve had to kow-tow to morons? This eye makeup? Do you think I wanted to dress like this? But I hung in there and I earned this fucking appointment and …
… I’ve blown it haven’t I?

SEN. SCHUMER: Yeah.

HARRIER MIERS: Shit.
---------------------------------------------------------
Scene 3: Karl Rove Is Arrested

ROVE: You know you’ve got no case Patrick. Nobody is going to talk. I’m not going to tell you anything. You’re just destroying your own legal career. I’ll personally see to it that your next job is at some legal aid clinic.

PATRICK FITZGERALD: Why don’t we talk about it on the way to the airport.

ROVE: The airport? What are you talking about? Aren’t we going to the Justice Department?

PATRICK FITZGERALD: No actually I’m taking you to Guantanamo for a few months of questioning. Don’t worry, it’s all perfectly legal.

ROVE: Shit.
----------------------------------------------------------------

Scene 4: Mike Brown’s Next Job

BROWNIE: Would you like to supersize that?

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Scene 5: William Bennett in It’s a Wonderful Life

(A cemetery.) Upon the tombstone is engraved a name, Ronald Reagan. Feverishly William Bennett scrapes away the snow covering the rest of the inscription, and we read: "IN MEMORY OF OUR BELOVED GOVERNOR – RONALD REAGAN – 1911-1967"

CLARENCE: Your hero, Ronald Reagan was killed after ordering police to fire at an anti-war protest in Los Angeles in 1967 at the age of 56.

(Bennett jumps up.)

BENNETT: That’s a lie! Ronald Reagan was president for two terms. He started the modern conservative movement. He invaded Grenada!

CLARENCE: (sadly) You see William, Martin Luther King was never born because all black children had been aborted so the riot wasn't averted. Reagan wasn’t there to start the conservative movement because King wasn’t there to save Reagan. Walter Mondale was President for two terms. Grenada is still under Cuban control because Reagan wasn’t there to invade it. Don’t you see William, black people have really had wonderfully useful lives. Don’t you see what a mistake it would be to throw them all away?

BENNETT: Clarence! Clarence! Help me, Clarence. Get them back. Get them back. I don't care what happens to me. Only get me back my black friends. Help me, Clarence, please! Please! I want them to live again!

CLARENCE: Shit.